“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
You Might Also Like
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not