Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
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I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Lmao
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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