Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!