Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.