43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Girl, same.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
felt that
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT