I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
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[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.