I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
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Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
very niche meme I made
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.