[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
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[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!