why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
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Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
“HELP WITH CAT”
Shortcut
WWE is French for “yes”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.