I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
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Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.