Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
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The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.