What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
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Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?