Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
You Might Also Like
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
bro what is going on at twitter
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Good Morning.