I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
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Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
another case of gang violins
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.