Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
You Might Also Like
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
necessity is the mother of invention
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.