You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
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give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?