[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
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Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
“Theirye’re” problem solved
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.