Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Me irl
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My husband: If mushrooms can have a vocabulary of up to 50 words to communicate with each other, I’m pretty sure you can tell me where you’d like to eat.
Me: I don’t know, where do you want to eat?
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it