Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
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(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
*puts my mental health in rice
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?