As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[montage of me giving-up]
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?