My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
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Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)