What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
You Might Also Like
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows