[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
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Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”