Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
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When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.