Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
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I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.