[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
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I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.