I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.