[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
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I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.