Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
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If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
I know
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?