Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.