Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
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I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
meow
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Dead
Alive
Other✔
A little too much information.