My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
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I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
they really do be looking like this
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”