Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”