trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
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Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Pass gas, not judgment.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage