Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
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*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.