A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
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This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I feel attacked.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs