Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
You Might Also Like
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.