There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
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If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
getting old is fun
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius