Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first