Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
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My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.