[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.