Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
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Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.