Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️