Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
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Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I have many caverns
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
just pretend nothing happened
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it