Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
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Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Best mom ever 😂
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????