*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
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Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.