Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
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A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
some things should go without saying
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.