I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
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There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Dear Lord..
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I saw nothing
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.