I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
The pasta is now
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: