WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
You Might Also Like
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
(Musicians.)
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,